Nothing. Absolutely nothing happens in the world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober unless I accept life completely on life’s terms.
I could not be happy.
I need not to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as to what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.
AA Big Book Fouth Edition page 417
This was my mantra after my second stint in rehab.
I was noticing positive changes in myself like more patience, less anger and less frustration.
Living in the present and taking thing one day at a time was working and I was effectively practicing radical acceptance to aid in this process.
Or so I thought.
I would tell myself “I can get through difficult emotions even if it is hard” and “even though I do not like what happened, the present moment is exactly what it is.” as situational coping statements.
Combined with mindfulness techniques I learned in rehab they were usually effective.
These techniques were great for dealing with things in the moment, but I still had an underlying sadness I couldn’t shake.
So, another relapse and another stint in rehab.
While in treatment, I really began to look inward to find what pain in my life was causing all this suffering that kept me returning to drink.
One day I was reading a handout on radical acceptance titled “When Radical Acceptance Is Appropriate.”
The first line said, “if you are going through a divorce or breakup and are having a hard time moving on.”
I was going through a divorce at the time.
It was like a lightbulb went off in my head.
I still had anger at myself and anger at my wife that was preventing me from accepting the situation.
I broke down crying realizing that the coping mechanism that I so believed in wasn’t going to work.
I thought it was more pain than I could handle.
But now at least I knew and could seek help to end the suffering.
I left treatment with this knowledge but, before I returned home, I consulted a therapist to help me resolve this issue that was preventing me from moving on with my life.
My therapist slowly began giving me exercises to change my perception of the reality that I had not yet attempted.
They were all extremely difficult and I was dealing with raw emotions that frequently left me in tears.
It didn’t happen overnight, but I was beginning to see a glimmer of hope.
She drilled me to accept “this is what happened” and “this is how thing happened” and the reality could not be changed.
One day she suggested I try practicing “opposite action.”
She explained to make a list of things you would do if you did accept the reality of the situation and then to act them out in my head.
Sobriety, happiness, self-confidence were all at the top of the list.
I was able to almost visualize the change I was seeking and that’s when it clicked for me.
As painful as it was, I refused to let myself suffer any longer.
I knew I had some one I could talk to about the pain, but I was the only one who could end my suffering.
It took another 18 moths before the divorce was finalized and my therapist and radical acceptance guided me through the process.
Sober.