“Are you safe?” I remember the nurse asking me as I was in labor.
I thought this was normal procedure but after having my other two kids a few years later I realized this was in fact not.
I was covered in bruises and cuts and the nurses knew why.
Despite everything my daughters dad did to me, I still believed he had the capability of being a good father.
This soon came to an end because what was supposed to be one of the happiest stages of life turned into a fight for survival; mentally and physically.
Court hearings and doctor’s offices are all my daughter and I saw the first three months of her life.
I realized when I went to court holding her that I was now a statistic.
One out of three women are abused in their lifetime.
Although this was not the first time I’ve experienced abuse, it soon became the most memorable.
My three week old daughter was a foot away from me while her father strangled me unconscious.
It is estimated that anywhere between 3.3 million and 10 million children witness domestic violence annually.
We, like many other women, got a restraining order against our abuser.
Again like many others, our restraining order was violated.
We were greeted soon after with fake accounts messaging me and other family members attempting to speak on his behalf.
About one-half of restraining orders obtained by women against partners who physically assaulted them were violated.
As he was being taken to the police car one of the officers said something that embedded in my brain.
He said, “You’re going to have to get over it. Your kids young.”
As we went through the custody proceedings, restraining order extensions, and his assault charges; my lawyer told me something that has stuck with me all these years.
He said, “This man picked you up by your throat and choked you unconscious while your daughter was in arms length. If you do not follow through with these charges he will eventually kill you.”
Speaking with my lawyer made me reflect back on when the officer told me to ‘get over it’.
Statistically speaking, a woman is 500x more likely to be murdered by a male partner or a previous partner who has strangled them in the past.
This situation is something I was not able to cope with lightheartedly.
While transitioning into single motherhood, I fell into bad postpartum depression and was eventually diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse I’d endured all those years.
Having high levels of cortisol for an extended period of time can actually deteriorate our hippocampus, which is in charge of learning and memory.
This can also cause our amygdala, also known as our reptilian brain, to swell which assists in our emotional memory but is also in charge of our fight or flight response.
This essentially means people that have experienced abuse are always in a fight or flight mode and our short term memory is gone.
On average it takes 7-10 years to heal from domestic abuse.
While healing from abuse it’s biologically and physically harder for you to concentrate on a task, regulate your emotions, and it limits your ability to have good judgement.
About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence and, unfortunately, a lot of them do not speak up.
I should not be here to tell my story.
As hard as it is to walk away from something you think you love, listen to when I say in the end it is worth it.
It’s worth fighting your way out and finding yourself again.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t let anyone tell you to ‘get over it’.
The national domestic violence hotline is 800-799-7233.